Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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