just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
