Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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