saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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