i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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