Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
