I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So many bounce houses so little time
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
