Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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