I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
