NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
