cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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