While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
