dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
