Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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