Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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