if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
