she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
