ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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