quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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