I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
