You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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