Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
