fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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