So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
