I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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