beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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