Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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