You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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