capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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