You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
