I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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