you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
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