so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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