I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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