were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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