i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
