my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
