I accidentally had phone sex last night
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
