I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
