Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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