and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
