Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Actions speak louder than pants.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
