I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
