I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
