So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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