My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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