You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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