no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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