My hand turned me down
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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