Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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