I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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