whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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